19.

In her frequent sicknesses and infirmities she used to say, “when I am weak, then am I strong:” ¹“we have our treasure in earthen vessels” ² until “this corruptible shall have put on incorruption and this mortal shall have put on immortality” ³ and again “as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ:” ⁴ and then as ye are partakers of the sufferings, so shall ye be also of the consolation. ⁵ In sorrow she used to sing: “Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God for I shall yet praise him who is the health of my countenance and my God.” ⁶ In the hour of danger she used to say: “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me:” ⁷ and again “whosoever will save his life shall lose it,” and “whosoever will lose his life for my sake the same shall save it.” ⁸ When the exhaustion of her substance and the ruin of her property were announced to her she only said: “What is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul:” ⁹ and “naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither. The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away: blessed be the name of the Lord:” ¹⁰ and Saint John’s words, “Love not the world neither the things that are in the world. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes and the pride of life, is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world passeth away and the lust thereof.” ¹¹ I know that when word was sent to her of the serious illnesses of her children and particularly of Toxotius whom she dearly loved, she first by her self-control fulfilled the saying: “I was troubled and I did not speak,” ¹² and then cried out in the words of scripture, “He that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.” ¹³ And she prayed to the Lord and said: Lord “preserve thou the children of those that are appointed to die,” ¹⁴ that is, of those who for thy sake every day die bodily. I am aware that a talebearer—a class of persons who do a great deal of harm—once told her as a kindness that owing to her great fervour in virtue some people thought her mad and declared that something should be done for her head. She replied in the words of the apostle, “we are made a spectacle unto the world and to angels and to men,” ¹⁵ and “we are fools for Christ’s sake” ¹⁶ but “the foolishness of God is wiser than men.” ¹⁷ It is for this reason she said that even the Saviour says to the Father, “Thou knowest my foolishness,” ¹⁸ and again “I am as a wonder unto many, but thou art my strong refuge.” ¹⁹“I was as a beast before thee; nevertheless I am continually with thee.” ²⁰ In the gospel we read that even His kinsfolk desired to bind Him as one of weak mind. ²¹ His opponents also reviled him saying “thou art a Samaritan and hast a devil,” ²² and another time “he casteth out devils through Beelzebub the chief of the devils.” ²³ But let us, she continued, listen to the exhortation of the apostle, “Our rejoicing is this, the testimony of our conscience that in simplicity and sincerity…by the grace of God we have had our conversation in the world.” ²⁴ And let us hear the Lord when He says to His apostles, “If ye were of the world the world would love his own; but because ye are not of the world…therefore the world hateth you.” ²⁵ And then she turned to the Lord Himself, saying, “Thou knowest the secrets of the heart,” ²⁶ and “all this is come upon us; yet have we not forgotten thee, neither have we dealt falsely in thy covenant; our heart is not turned back.” ²⁷“Yea for thy sake are we killed all the day long; we are counted as sheep for the slaughter.” ²⁸ But “the Lord is on my side: I will not fear what man doeth unto me.” ²⁹ She had read the words of Solomon, “My son, honour the Lord and thou shalt be made strong; and beside the Lord fear thou no man.” ³⁰ These passages and others like them she used as God’s armour against the assaults of wickedness, and particularly to defend herself against the furious onslaughts of envy; and thus by patiently enduring wrongs she soothed the violence of the most savage breasts. Down to the very P. 206 day of her death two things were conspicuous in her life, one her great patience and the other the jealousy which was manifested towards her. Now jealousy gnaws the heart of him who harbours it: and while it strives to injure its rival raves with all the force of its fury against itself.