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The Confessions of St. Augustin In Thirteen Books

Chapter XI.--Being Troubled by His Grievous Errors, He Meditates Entering on a New Life.

18. And I, puzzling over and reviewing these things, most marvelled at the length of time from that my nineteenth year, wherein I began to be inflamed with the desire of wisdom, resolving, when I had found her, to forsake all the empty hopes and lying insanities of vain desires. And behold, I was now getting on to my thirtieth year, sticking in the same mire, eager for the enjoyment of things present, which fly away and destroy me, whilst I say, "Tomorrow I shall discover it; behold, it will appear plainly, and I shall seize it; behold, Faustus will come and explain everything! O ye great men, ye Academicians, it is then true that nothing certain for the ordering of life can be attained! Nay, let us search the more diligently, and let us not despair. Lo, the things in the ecclesiastical books, which appeared to us absurd aforetime, do not appear so now, and may be otherwise and honestly interpreted. I will set my feet upon that step, where, as a child, my parents placed me, until the clear truth be discovered. But where and when shall it be sought? Ambrose has no leisure,--we have no leisure to read. Where are we to find the books? Whence or when procure them? From whom borrow them? Let set times be appointed, and certain hours be set apart for the health of the soul. Great hope has risen upon us, the Catholic faith doth not teach what we conceived, and vainly accused it of. Her learned ones hold it as an abomination to believe that God is limited by the form of a human body. And do we doubt to knock,' in order that the rest may be opened'? ¹ The mornings are taken up by our scholars; how do we employ the rest of the day? Why do we not set about this? But when, then, pay our respects to our great friends, of whose favours we stand in need? When prepare what our scholars buy from us? When recreate ourselves, relaxing our minds from the pressure of care?"

19. "Perish everything, and let us dismiss these empty vanities, and betake ourselves solely to the search after truth! Life is miserable, death uncertain. If it creeps upon us suddenly, in what state shall we depart hence, and where shall we learn what we have neglected here? Or rather shall we not suffer the punishment of this negligence? What if death itself should cut off and put an end to all care and feeling? This also, then, must be inquired into. But God forbid that it should be so. It is not without reason, it is no empty thing, that the so eminent height of the authority of the Christian faith is diffused throughout the entire world. Never would such and so great things be wrought for us, if, by the death of the body, the life of the soul were destroyed. Why, therefore, do we delay to abandon our hopes of this world, and give ourselves wholly to seek after God and the blessed life? But stay! Even those things are enjoyable; and they possess some and no little sweetness. We must not abandon them lightly, for it would be a shame to return to them again. Behold, now is it a great matter to obtain some post of honour! And what more could we desire? We have crowds of influential friends, though we have nothing else, and if we make haste a presidentship may be offered us; and a wife with some money, that she increase not our expenses; and this shall be the height of desire. Many men, who are great and worthy of imitation, have applied themselves to the study of wisdom in the marriage state."

20. Whilst I talked of these things, and these winds veered about and tossed my heart hither and thither, the time passed on; but I was slow to turn to the Lord, and from day to day deferred to live in Thee, and deferred not daily to die in myself. Being enamoured of a happy life, I yet feared it in its own abode, and, fleeing from it, sought after it. I conceived that I should be too unhappy were I deprived of the embracements of a woman; ² and of Thy merciful medicine to cure that infirmity I thought not, not having tried it. As regards continency, I imagined it to be under the control of our own strength (though in myself I found it not), being so foolish as not to know what is written, that none can be continent unless Thou give it; ³ and that Thou wouldst give it, if with heartfelt groaning I should knock at Thine ears, and should with firm faith cast my care upon Thee.

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Confessiones

Caput 11

Et ego maxime mirabar satagens et recolens, quam longum tempus esset ab undevicensimo anno aetatis meae, quo fervere coeperam studio sapientiae, disponens, ea inventa, relinquere omnes vanarum cupiditatum spes inanes et insanias mendaces. et ecce iam tricenariam aetatem gerebam, in eodem luto haesitans aviditate fruendi praesentibus, fugientibus et dissipantibus me, dum dico: cras inveniam; ecce manifestum apparebit, et tenebo; ecce Faustus veniet et exponet omnia. o magni viri Academici! nihil ad agendam vitam certi conprehendi potest? immo quaeramus diligentius et non desperemus. ecce iam non sunt absurda in libris ecclesiasticis, quae absurda videbantur, et possunt aliter atque honeste intellegi. figam pedes in eo gradu, in quo puer a parentibus positus eram, donec inveniatur perspicua verita. sed ubi quaeretur? quando quaeretur? non vacat Ambrosio, non vacat legere. ubi ipsos codices quaerimus? unde aut quando conparamus? a quibus sumimus? deputentur tempora, distribuantur horae pro salute animae. magna spes oborta est: non docet catholica fides, quod putabamus et vani accusabamus. nefas habent docti eius credere deum figura humani corporis terminatum. et dubitamus pulsare, quo aperiantur cetera? antemeridianis horis discipuli occupant; ceteris quid facimus? cur non id agimus? sed quando salutamus amicos maiores, quorum suffragiis opus habemus? quando praeparamus quod emant scholastici? quando reparamus non ipsos relaxando animo ab intentione curarum? pereant omnia et dimittamus haec vana et inania: conferamus nos ad solam inquisitionem veritatis. vita misera est, mors incerta est; subito obrepat -- quomodo hinc exibimus? et ubi nobis discenda sunt quae hinc negleximus? ac non potius huius neglegentiae supplicia luenda? quid, si mors ipsa omnem curam cum sensu amputabit et finiet? ergo et hoc quaerendum. sed absit, ut ita sit. non vacat, non est inane, quod tam eminens culmen auctoritatis Christianae fidei toto orbe diffunditur. numquam tanta et talia pro nobis divinitus agerentur, si morte corporis etiam vita animae consumeretur. quid cunctamur igitur, relicta spe saeculi, conferre nos totos ad quaerendum deum et vitam beatam? sed expecta: iucunda sunt etiam ista, habent non parvam dulcedinem suam: non facile ab eis praecidenda est intentio, quia turpe est ad ea rursum redire. ecce iam quantum est, ut inpetretur aliquis honor. et quid amplius in his desiderandum? suppetit amicorum maiorum copia: ut nihil aliud multum festinemus, vel praesidatus dari potest. et ducenda uxor cum aliqua pecunia, ne sumptum nostrum gravet, et ille erit modus cupiditatis. multi magni viri et imitatione dignissimi sapientiae studio cum coniugibus dediti fuerunt. Cum haec dicebam et alternabant hi venti et inpellebant huc atque illuc cor meum, transibant tempora, et tardabam converti ad dominum; et differebam de die in diem vivere in te, et non differebam cotidie in memet ipso mori: amans beatam vitam timebam illam in sede sua, et ab ea fugiens quaerebam eam. putabam enim me miserum fore nimis, si feminae privarer amplexibus, et medicinam misericordiae tuae ad eandem infirmitatem sanandam non cogitabam, quia expertus non eram; et propriarum virium credebam esse continentiam, quarum mihi non eram conscius, cum tam stultus essem, ut nescirem, sicut scriptum est, neminem posse esse continentem, nisi tu dederis. utique dares, si gemitu interno pulsarem aures tuas et fide solida in te iactarem curam meam.